How can I teach my children to be productive humans if I'm not one myself? (OH!?! You thought that I was? Well, that's what you get for looking in through the foggy window; you see my life in pictures- like us normal people see a movie star- you only see what I want you to see.) What am I showing them? That it's okay to live in self loathing, and that constantly pushing yourself to be perfect is the norm? I don't want them to be shallow and boring, or afraid to stand up for what they believe in. I want to raise boys who turn into men that women are proud to have as husbands. Men that pray, men aware of who they are, and truly love themselves. But in order to do that- I have to start with me. I do pray, but those other 2 things, HA HA they are my works in progress.
Who am I? A wife who is irrevocably in love with my husband, a mother that will stop at nothing to protect my children, a child of God (that is almost too big for me to wrap my mind around at times), a woman that lives passionately and yet lives in fear of judgement, who puts every ounce of effort I have into all I do, who subconsciously competes with myself in everything I do. When I start something I finish it, when I want something I get it, I strive to reach my goals. I walk around with my head in the clouds, and that's where my problem resides; I lost all my dreams... I've been too wrapped up in making everyone else happy, and putting them first made it hard to keep track of my own desires. Until now, I've lived my life standing on this tiny shelf- afraid that if I step too far one way, I may fall off and lose my spot. I now understand that I do not need a certain spot; I can fit anywhere. I can be who I am, who I want to be... I can embrace my individuality; I am a rare bird, an oddly shaped puzzle piece.
Who gives a rat's ass what others think of me (yeah, that's right, I swear- like a sailor most of the time).
I am walking away from the mis-information and bullshit that I was force fed as a child. (The constant drilling of pleasing others for affirmation of being a good person, and the restrictions on what I could say just to keep from hurting other's feelings is wrong when it impedes my own.) Fuck feminism and being politically correct. The church can take organized religion with their rabid dogma and shove it where the sun don't shine- I'm tired of being afraid and living in fear of being judged. I'm ready to live, and to live life to the fullest while being true to who I am, so I can show my kids how it's done.
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
Lao Tzu
